rib

my rib still hurts sometimes…
what hurts more is that in many ways you’ll never be fully gone

labyrinth

i have this memory of being at some sort of party, i think with my dad and all the kids were watching labyrinth in the basement. and i think matt and i were the youngest there and i think matt got scared and then he went upstairs.

i also remember watching ET at my aunts house when my dad had us and i remember being really scared. and i was scared for years. and then i remembermy mum getting upset with my dad that he would let us watch ET

i also remember my cousin jeremy and his gf brenda babysat us once when i was maybe like 8-10 and we rented thelma and louise and i was scared to go upstairs to the bathroom alone and i realy had to go so brenda took me and it was right at the end and she missed the really important part

ok just a though
or two

it all started cause in dorm danielle and nice-eye would put on that song from labyrinth… (i think) and everyone would hear it and we would all know it was dance party time!
so great
one of my most fav memories
i am blessed
but i am tired

goodnight moon, goodnight stars

snotty

ive had more colds in the past 2 and a half years than ever in my whole life put together
i suppose the stress of the last 2 and a half years… maybe… has lowered my immune system
so thats just plain stinkin annoying

oh happier news… im getting over this last cold and im pretty happy about it

St.Patricks Day and Fulton Ave.

Memories

-Last St.Patricks Day was my favourite ever! We went to a pub and they had a guy playing live… all the good songs…oldies mainly

and it was fun. I had died my hair red cause I had wanted to for a while and cause it was St.Patricks Day – i thought if not now, when!

So i had some fres red hair and i felt pretty Irish… which I am, so that always helps…

But then the guitar man started singing lady in red… and at first I was just singing along and not noticing – and then he started freestyling a verse about how the lady in red on St.Patricks Day had no idea this song was about her… and I was like no, not me…. is it – and i didnt wanna be assuming so I started looking around to see if there was another girl with red… and there wasnt

and he was singing to me!

I FELT SUPER SPECIAL!

so – that, plus good friends (including paul coming out for a coke with us finnaly) made for a great night

AS A KID… on Fulton (Various memories from that house)

As a kid  (about 8-10 at the time) – at one point we lived in a house that had 3 stories. Mine and my brothers bedroom was upstairs on the third floor. The house was a bautiful old Danforth house. 3 Stories. Wood floors that both creeked and gave you slivers…

One time in that house we got broken into. I remember they took weird stuff and left some good stuff like jewlery… but tthats also what my mom said so I dont fully beleive that anymore.

anyways… this thought was probably a result of us being broken into.

I cant remember if my mom was working overnight shifts at this point – or why I thought this….but I used to think about if bad guys broken in, about having a box spring with a person shape cut into it so I coudl hide when they finally got up to the 3rd floor. I thought Id hear them coming up the creeky wooden stairs. The way I always thought about it I thought of a starfish shape – like you were all sprad out during a snow angel – just cut into the boxspring (ora maybe another matress) so that when they came I could hide under the matress and they wouldnt find me.

Another one…

One time (when i was like 8-10) I remember my dad stayedover to babysit us cause my mom was working overnight (which I guess solves the above quandry) and this was when his back was really bad and I remember he was staying on the sunporch on the 2nd floor – just down the hall from my room (when we lived on the 2nd floor of that house). I remeber I woke up and my dad was on the floor in the hall calling me and I remeber something about socks, maybe he was throwing them to get my attention. And I remember he yelled at me cause he said he had been trying to get our attention for something like (i feel like) an hour. His back was seizing up and he had to go to the hospital. I had to call 911 and the ambulance came and the paramedics lifted my dad down the stairs and he was a big guy and I remeber they were having a hard time carrying him and so they keppt accidentally hitting the stretcher on something – maybe the stairs – and I remember my dad getting mad at them and saying something like “dont worry guys its not like I have a back injury”

I remember him being really mad

and i remmeber being really scared.

and i think we had to go and stay with our neighbours maybe Emilys mum or maybe Lee and the Dentist Vogul. I dont remember.

Christmas…

I remember I wanted a Magic Nursury baby for Christmas and I got one – but Christmas morning in the 2nd floor living room i remember just turing around from facing in on one of the beige love seats and opening my present and being happy but being too sick to be really care. and then i just rolled back. My dad was there for Christmas and i feel like he was sick too.

The basement…

I remember in grade 2 – i was in Mr. Plants class. andfor halloween (my favourite holiday) i wanted to be a running shoe. so my mom was awesome and let me we made these two giant running shoe shapes from boxes and i thik we used orange paper as the sole. and i think we spray painted it maybe in the basement…. i dont know but i remeber being in the basement trying on my running shoe. and we had ribbon that were the laces and they hung over my shoulders so i coudl walk around. I remmeber feeling really cool. it was the BEST costume EVER!

I remember we got hampsters once. Both of us. and they came in boxes with those wood shavings or whatever… i remember one time – one or both of them ran away and they got into the basement and we knew they were there cause they had eaten the dried corn that went on a sorta fall writhe that hung on our door.

TURTLES

i remember we also had turtles. i think we got them for free from someone. i think we had 5. I feel like they all died fairly soon. If i think hard about them i can remeber this feeling i had when i was looking at their tank as it need or was being cleaned in the kitchen on the counter. i remember wondering at them. Maybe we got them from Lee and the dentists maybe.

BRIEF THOUGHTS THAT NEED TO BE EXPANDED ON ABOUT FULTON AVE.

Shoes from Lee

Emily my neighbour, my best friend, the reason I came to know the Lord

Alisha babysitting

Pretty Woman and the Magnets on the VCR

Cheers – the last episode

Shea and Daniel – Living in my kitchen

Ross saying “I doubt it” about my pretty new blue shiny comforter and Shea’s muddy shoes

Leah through the lane.

The lawnsale – Bye Bye dolly

The Palm Tree Hair episode

The MACINTOSH computer – Playing Carman SanDiego

Grandpa bringing poli-sausage

Grandpa bringing GIANT chocolate easter eggs

Eating macaronni and cheese at the kicthen table

one of Matt’s friends saying he didnt drink juice with pulp

Skip it out front

Charlotte down the street

Kim saying that he grandma warned her that little girls so missing on their way to school – and bad things happen

my first time being allowed to walk to school by myself

going on the roof with Emily

Dennis’ white tennis shoes

Going to visit Dennis’ GF and her girls… Her name was Joan. They had a four seater louge swing.

Allie and Patrick – I was going to marry Patrick – Allies said she was going to be my sister in law.

Rosemary babysitting and teaching me the two princes song and also the “peace on earth – was all it said” song

the kids table at some family gatherine

watching thelma and louise with Jeremy and Brenda – I had to pee and it was one of the last scenes and Brenda took me.

Brenda gave me her “Royal Blue” feather down Gap jacket… it wasmy favourite and I couldnt wait until it fit.

Giant plastic Christmas bags for the Christmas we had in the downstairs living room.

Matt getting hockey equipment… again

Getty Merry and Marrietta

Doing magic nursury babies packages in the bathroom.

Shaving my legs for the 1st time in grade 5 – because Katie Mulrouney who was in grade 6 was like – I cant beleive you dont shave your legs.

Being sick and sitting on the floor of my moms room with a red pan.

My moms new black comforter with Pink roses.

Playing with my moms soft arms. Chubby mummy (innocently crushing im sure)

waking up late one night and finding my mom playing with my barbies… she was using them as models for some practical designes she had for her gerentology class. I remember her waking a wardrobe with little hangers… i stayed up and helped her and it was nice.

Completly Random Thought

If  I was a lady in the Elizabethan Era I think I would have liked to be called Lady Whicksteed… it has a nice ring to it, and sounds classy.

Guard Your Heart

When you choose to be in a relationship with someone, whether romantic or in friendship you choose and end up sacrificing some of your own protection, and you trust that the other person can, and will, protect you the way you need to be protected, through love, care, sacrifice, obedience, and mutual submission.

So why do we so often surround ourselves with people who have proven that they cannot protect us, or our best interests because they cannot, and/or already do not, do it for themselves or for the people currently in their lives?

I think its because we know that they are worthy of such love. we know how much we are loved and forgiven, and how much we are trusted again and again by the Lord and it compels us who have been forgiven much to try and forgive others just as much, so that they might experience that love and acceptance we have known from heaven, in a human relationship on earth…

and yet, we do this almost selfishly because what we want is then for that person to reciprocate that love and acceptance to us…

which is not a guarentee because you have already sacrificed that protection in order to be in that deep relationship and so you are vulnerable…

and even if it all turns out as it always does in movies, any moment of vulnerability is paralyzingly painful…

but for me, as a beleiver in Christ… it is both a terrible and lovely time, because it reminds me that I can only ever lean on Jesus and can trust that ONLY the Lord can love and protect me that way I need to be.

Only Christ can complete me.

todays thoughts…

- I JUST WANT WHAT I WANT!

- Im really happy with my new curling iron

i hate this / the green comet

its 4am

i went out tonight after, possibly, our second to last talk, and i looked at the sky in hopes of seeing the green comet…

i saw it…

it was there…

right where i was told it would be…

but it wasn’t like the pictures…

it wasn’t clear…

it wasn’t dazzling or gleaming…

it wasn’t breath-taking…

it was just nice…

…and mostly it was just there…

…it was more of a let down than anything else…

…it was similar to this.

similar to all this, right now…

though i know the comet is fading out…

i just want, so bad, for it to be the brightest thing in this sky…

and i know that right now it cant be…

…so i know that it never will be…

…and, for now, that’s maybe because the brightest thing in this sky still needs to be the son.

so then i wonder…

if i know that the sun shines infinitely brighter in the day, why do i choose to stay in the sleepy-haze that follows the fanciful seeking of fleeting and fading comets in the night?

oh emily

well

the prince brought the Ladies Gilmore back to our 6th floor turret… so it in deed has been a good day.

i watched and episode called ‘emily says hello’ and in the final scene emily gilmore breaks down and cries…

it was the first, truly broken and vulnerable exposé of her deeper character… it was lovely and terrible all at once.

she walked in with a happy face… closed the door and sobbed… an emptying sob…

its was just nice to see for some reason…

nice like crying in the rain – when no one can ear you – nice

also

i love pretty umbrellas and boots

but not spring

im thinking about this because i went to Gettysburg on the 5th and when i left there was like at least 3 feet of snow… when i came back there was no snow!  and it was cold and sad…

today though the snow came down all day… at first wet and yucky…

then large white fluffy ones

which made me happy

and i just looked out the window as im now heading to bed and there is white out my indow again… and it made me really happy

one of my favourite sights!

so with all that… i still somehow thought of umbrellas and boots… so cute, yes… but so not the time now… and im so thankful for that… at least for tonight.

ooops sorry to keep you waiting i forgot and forgot and forgot about you
and im very sorry anyways
i cant promise this will mean that i will be a better poster
but at least you know that i finally remembered to love you
so hi ok so news well theres lots
but to begin
today my fish died
another one
thats the second one in a month and a half
im a bad parent his name was michael jackson because he used to be a gold fish but then turned white
so yeah that minor news theres lots and lots of other really big stuff but oh gosh i just cant bring myself to write about it all right now
but im excited about life so tahnks for hanging in there keep hanging till im back on track and i love you
love d
waitn: LEAVE ALL YOUR CONCERNS AT THE CROSS

im not perfect BUT I AM LOVED!

ok so i know that im not perfect
but sometimes i feel like certain people are shocked when im not a good example of Christ
please dont be shocked
this happens all the time and im human so it will continue to happen
as i locked my door tonight (i dont know why then, but then), i realized that i could never be truly loved until someone is willing to see that im not perfect
and is willing to love me anyways
and not only see it and love me but then spur me on to BE a better person (a la, “Iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens another.” – Prov 27:17)

i know this is like ‘duh’
but i have analyzed things in my head a million times over and thought…
if only i did this or if only i said that or if only i did more or if only i had not screwed this or that up….
…then maybe things would be different…

but the truth is, if it wasn’t those things that i screwed up
it would have been others
and i would be in the same position

i have an ongoing thing that i say like when i do something good like change the toilet paper roll or straighten up the apartment…
i say to the girls ‘do you love me more now?’
and i mean it as a joke
like knowing their love for me hasnt changed
but as i did this yesterday katy affirmed that she loved me no matter what i did
and that was nice
SO NICE!
because i dont feel like ive had unconditional love affirmed like that, in the place I call home, for a long time

it has always felt like if i cold jump through this hoop or if i just tryed harder than i would be loved
but the truth was that while those conditions for love were there i was never truely being loved….

and while those conditions for love were there, at times i dont even think i was loving…
i think at times i was just jumping through the hoops beacuse I wanted to be loved so bad that i was willing to do anything to FEEL loved… even if i wasnt truely BEING loved…

and in those times i wasnt loving anyone…
not myself or that other person
but what i was loving was that feeling of love…. a feeling that was void of unditional acceptance, forgiveness and… well… love…

i always felt like i didnt measure up and was made to feel like i hadnt earned love…
but what i was trying to earn wasnt love at all…
but simply the aproval of man
the aproval of a boy…

i didnt ‘get’ that despite my best efforts
i would continue to screw things up
i would continue to say the wrong thing
i would continue to be less than perfect because…
THATS WHO I AM THIS SIDE OF HEAVEN!

and no amount of wanting or trying to be perfect in 10 billion moments could make a person TRULY love me for who i am in even one imperfect moment…
because that was then out of my control

i cant ever be loved until i am loved at my worst
and that is love
and thats what Christ did

He has seen me at my worst, forgiven me even before I asked, and loved me knowing that i would hurt Him again and again and again

Christ has truly loved me
and so as much as valentines sucked this year
this has been the best post-valentine’s revelation
and has redeemed this whole valentines for me!
PRAISE GOD that Jesus loves me.
Truly
even in my imperfection.