ok so i know that im not perfect
but sometimes i feel like certain people are shocked when im not a good example of Christ
please dont be shocked
this happens all the time and im human so it will continue to happen
as i locked my door tonight (i dont know why then, but then), i realized that i could never be truly loved until someone is willing to see that im not perfect
and is willing to love me anyways
and not only see it and love me but then spur me on to BE a better person (a la, “Iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens another.” – Prov 27:17)
i know this is like ‘duh’
but i have analyzed things in my head a million times over and thought…
if only i did this or if only i said that or if only i did more or if only i had not screwed this or that up….
…then maybe things would be different…
but the truth is, if it wasn’t those things that i screwed up
it would have been others
and i would be in the same position
i have an ongoing thing that i say like when i do something good like change the toilet paper roll or straighten up the apartment…
i say to the girls ‘do you love me more now?’
and i mean it as a joke
like knowing their love for me hasnt changed
but as i did this yesterday katy affirmed that she loved me no matter what i did
and that was nice
SO NICE!
because i dont feel like ive had unconditional love affirmed like that, in the place I call home, for a long time
it has always felt like if i cold jump through this hoop or if i just tryed harder than i would be loved
but the truth was that while those conditions for love were there i was never truely being loved….
and while those conditions for love were there, at times i dont even think i was loving…
i think at times i was just jumping through the hoops beacuse I wanted to be loved so bad that i was willing to do anything to FEEL loved… even if i wasnt truely BEING loved…
and in those times i wasnt loving anyone…
not myself or that other person
but what i was loving was that feeling of love…. a feeling that was void of unditional acceptance, forgiveness and… well… love…
i always felt like i didnt measure up and was made to feel like i hadnt earned love…
but what i was trying to earn wasnt love at all…
but simply the aproval of man
the aproval of a boy…
i didnt ‘get’ that despite my best efforts
i would continue to screw things up
i would continue to say the wrong thing
i would continue to be less than perfect because…
THATS WHO I AM THIS SIDE OF HEAVEN!
and no amount of wanting or trying to be perfect in 10 billion moments could make a person TRULY love me for who i am in even one imperfect moment…
because that was then out of my control
i cant ever be loved until i am loved at my worst
and that is love
and thats what Christ did
He has seen me at my worst, forgiven me even before I asked, and loved me knowing that i would hurt Him again and again and again
Christ has truly loved me
and so as much as valentines sucked this year
this has been the best post-valentine’s revelation
and has redeemed this whole valentines for me!
PRAISE GOD that Jesus loves me.
Truly
even in my imperfection.
2 Comments
February 21, 2008 at 15:12
you are loved D.
you are beautiful and wonderful and lovely.
i adore you and cherish you (even when I don’t see you for months on end)
and yours right…most of all Jesus adores you entirely and completely.
September 10, 2009 at 15:12
Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog.
Cheers! Sandra. R.