Category Archives: Thoughts on Sadness

Words

the current boy predicament that i REALLY did my best to try to stay away from…

i FELT a connection
i FELT flirted with
i FELT lovely… and each day i left those things at the door…

each day…
i focused on Christ
i wore unattractive (baggy) clothes
i wore no make up
i even talked about poop!

i pursued nothing…
because i know me
and my heart
and we get hurt too easily

but he perused…
and he persisted
to the point that he was in legal danger if i ever played the ‘professionalism’ card
so when that happened

i FELT like if i was worth that risk to him, than i was worth a lot…
when his ACTIONS spoke loudly, it was then that i began to trust…

i began to trust his WORDS…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CM: awww, adorable.
yay danielle in the dating world
woop woop

dating world just got less awful

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CM: theres no real rule, the whole point of it is so you dont get sued for sexual harrassment or something, cuz sometimes ppl date, and then one person decides the other was a jerk and decides that the best way to get revenge is to sue them or something
im really not so clear on it, because i dont intend on being a jerk
so yeah, we’re good

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CM: aw, you’re one of the good ones. i know things will turn out
you might even be the best one

me: ok
CM: its neck and neck
me: AWWW
thanks!
neck and neck – WHOA!
CM: yep. and i dont even know who with!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THERE IS MORE AND MORE AND MORE
and, then of course, real life conversations as well…

WAS I WRONG?
WAS I CRAZY to have started to turn that cold shoulder his way?
WAS I?

the things he said were wooing and special
honouring and proper… he thought of me as a lady and treated me as such
what he said was hilarious, observant, planned, caring, deep, encouraging and hopeful

lovely and leading…
lovely and leading…

and i felt like God was saying… ‘see… everything before was worth it… FOR THIS!’

but now – after all this, i feel like i was deceived…
and i dont think intentionally…
and i dont even think by him…
i was more-so deceived by myself

BUT!

BOYS!
dont say lovely things then change your mind…
if you and that ‘lady’ dont have a safe context in which to say those lovely things, then dont!

be friends!
JUST – BE – FRIENDS!

if – after prayer, consideration and friendship through the good and bad- you still want to say those lovely things to her… THEN pursue something more and if she reciprocates…
then say all the lovely things you’ve been saving in your heart…
say ALLof them!
She WILL love it!

how much more lovely is that?!


and GIRLS!
dont trust boys…
dont trust boys to be careful with your heart…

even if they know how youve been hurt before…
even if they get upset about how others have hurt you…
even if it feels different…
even if it seems that the stars aligned for you two to BE…
even if all these things happen and more…

…dont trust boys to be careful with your heart.

girls, you all are worth lovely words!
but you were made to hear them from only one person who will love you with lovely words forever
and if that time doesnt come, TRUST that God has and will always love you, in word and in deed, more than boy ever can or ever will.

though they should, boys dont know when to tame their tongues and their words travel deeper than your ears…
…their words make their way into your heart and into your mind and mix with all the hopes and dreams that God has given you, and soon God’s perfect plan becomes chipped and bent and changed to fit these lovely words…

we end up trading God’s perfect words of truth and love for reasonable facsimiles, just to win this idea of a prize for a contest that we’ve made up in our heads…

Christ has won it all… and He STILL considers YOU the prize

John 15:9 – “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.”

Lets remain in His lovely WORD and in His love!

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rib

my rib still hurts sometimes…
what hurts more is that in many ways you’ll never be fully gone

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Filed under Thoughts on Anger, Thoughts on Sadness, Thoughts on Sin or Bad Stuff, Thoughts on Stress, Thoughts on the Human Body

Guard Your Heart

When you choose to be in a relationship with someone, whether romantic or in friendship you choose and end up sacrificing some of your own protection, and you trust that the other person can, and will, protect you the way you need to be protected, through love, care, sacrifice, obedience, and mutual submission.

So why do we so often surround ourselves with people who have proven that they cannot protect us, or our best interests because they cannot, and/or already do not, do it for themselves or for the people currently in their lives?

I think its because we know that they are worthy of such love. we know how much we are loved and forgiven, and how much we are trusted again and again by the Lord and it compels us who have been forgiven much to try and forgive others just as much, so that they might experience that love and acceptance we have known from heaven, in a human relationship on earth…

and yet, we do this almost selfishly because what we want is then for that person to reciprocate that love and acceptance to us…

which is not a guarentee because you have already sacrificed that protection in order to be in that deep relationship and so you are vulnerable…

and even if it all turns out as it always does in movies, any moment of vulnerability is paralyzingly painful…

but for me, as a beleiver in Christ… it is both a terrible and lovely time, because it reminds me that I can only ever lean on Jesus and can trust that ONLY the Lord can love and protect me that way I need to be.

Only Christ can complete me.

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i hate this / the green comet

its 4am

i went out tonight after, possibly, our second to last talk, and i looked at the sky in hopes of seeing the green comet…

i saw it…

it was there…

right where i was told it would be…

but it wasn’t like the pictures…

it wasn’t clear…

it wasn’t dazzling or gleaming…

it wasn’t breath-taking…

it was just nice…

…and mostly it was just there…

…it was more of a let down than anything else…

…it was similar to this.

similar to all this, right now…

though i know the comet is fading out…

i just want, so bad, for it to be the brightest thing in this sky…

and i know that right now it cant be…

…so i know that it never will be…

…and, for now, that’s maybe because the brightest thing in this sky still needs to be the son.

so then i wonder…

if i know that the sun shines infinitely brighter in the day, why do i choose to stay in the sleepy-haze that follows the fanciful seeking of fleeting and fading comets in the night?

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im not perfect BUT I AM LOVED!

ok so i know that im not perfect
but sometimes i feel like certain people are shocked when im not a good example of Christ
please dont be shocked
this happens all the time and im human so it will continue to happen
as i locked my door tonight (i dont know why then, but then), i realized that i could never be truly loved until someone is willing to see that im not perfect
and is willing to love me anyways
and not only see it and love me but then spur me on to BE a better person (a la, “Iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens another.” – Prov 27:17)

i know this is like ‘duh’
but i have analyzed things in my head a million times over and thought…
if only i did this or if only i said that or if only i did more or if only i had not screwed this or that up….
…then maybe things would be different…

but the truth is, if it wasn’t those things that i screwed up
it would have been others
and i would be in the same position

i have an ongoing thing that i say like when i do something good like change the toilet paper roll or straighten up the apartment…
i say to the girls ‘do you love me more now?’
and i mean it as a joke
like knowing their love for me hasnt changed
but as i did this yesterday katy affirmed that she loved me no matter what i did
and that was nice
SO NICE!
because i dont feel like ive had unconditional love affirmed like that, in the place I call home, for a long time

it has always felt like if i cold jump through this hoop or if i just tryed harder than i would be loved
but the truth was that while those conditions for love were there i was never truely being loved….

and while those conditions for love were there, at times i dont even think i was loving…
i think at times i was just jumping through the hoops beacuse I wanted to be loved so bad that i was willing to do anything to FEEL loved… even if i wasnt truely BEING loved…

and in those times i wasnt loving anyone…
not myself or that other person
but what i was loving was that feeling of love…. a feeling that was void of unditional acceptance, forgiveness and… well… love…

i always felt like i didnt measure up and was made to feel like i hadnt earned love…
but what i was trying to earn wasnt love at all…
but simply the aproval of man
the aproval of a boy…

i didnt ‘get’ that despite my best efforts
i would continue to screw things up
i would continue to say the wrong thing
i would continue to be less than perfect because…
THATS WHO I AM THIS SIDE OF HEAVEN!

and no amount of wanting or trying to be perfect in 10 billion moments could make a person TRULY love me for who i am in even one imperfect moment…
because that was then out of my control

i cant ever be loved until i am loved at my worst
and that is love
and thats what Christ did

He has seen me at my worst, forgiven me even before I asked, and loved me knowing that i would hurt Him again and again and again

Christ has truly loved me
and so as much as valentines sucked this year
this has been the best post-valentine’s revelation
and has redeemed this whole valentines for me!
PRAISE GOD that Jesus loves me.
Truly
even in my imperfection.

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i have rubber gloves

i have these rubbber gloves that i had for when i was working in the S.A. warehouse. They’re awesome.
they are just material on the inside and warmish… but diped in rubber on the palms abd fingers so they could protect your hands and help with lifting
i like to put them on
they make me feel like… i can fix anything
i thinik just having them ups my points on the handyman scale of coolness
i dont have a toolbox yet… buti have a nice wine box that i keep my tools in
and it blends better in my room than a red tool box would
so yeah
i like feeling handy

also
i have when things suck
also i love ashley saunders
she makes my heart so happy and i know she loves me no matter what i do
she is amazing
and im so glad i get to be her friend
i hope i alwasy have her in my life
sometimes when things suck i just want to cuddle on her couch and watch a movie and cry and know that she is crying along with me
and i love that
she is true freind
and as well as “a gentleman and a scholar!”
i want to be her neighbour when i grow up
or if not i at least call dibs on being her neighbour in heaven
ok yeah

and i miss ball hockey

waitn: i wish i had a bus pass all the time… but since i dont im going to try and live it up now

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Filed under Thoughts on Exercise, Thoughts on Friends, Thoughts on Heaven, Thoughts on Life, Thoughts on Love, Thoughts on Money, Thoughts on Sadness, Thoughts on Stress, Thoughts on Toronto

Amélie Thoughts, Are You Married? and Expressions

Ok so you know in amélie when they go through the various characters and tell those quirky things that everyone has that they either love or hate…
we all have them
theyre those things you love or hate and you dont always understand why… or you might even think theyre a bit crazy… but you just either love them or hate them or do them…. beacuse you are you!
isnt that kinda beautiful!
these i will call amélie moments
i recently watched the movie again and forgot how interesting i thought that part of the film was
and then this past weekend we were having lunch with our new pastor and we shared some amelie thoughts
our pastor has a secret passion for drywalling
katy likes when all the same coloured paper clips are together and seperated
i cant remember jp’s and we all decided that jono was a living amélie moment… he just does lots of weird stuff
but ithink theyre interesting to share
so these are some of mine….

-i love cleaning computer keyboards and the old rollie-ball mice parts with q-tips and rubbing alcohol…
-when i put stuffed animals in a plastic bag i make sure their faces arent squished against the plastic but that theyre faced in so they have air (this actually came into play alot when i was packing toy mountain toy bags with the sally ann)
-i dont like when people use the word (or non-word) ‘yous’ (as in like yous guys).
-i like when i have a cold glass of water when im eating chocolate

so as these things come to mind i will share them
and as i share them the more i think i should rename this blog, ‘the million crazy things i think each day’
but we’ll see
i dont want to get myself committed or anything!

also

the question are you married needs to be discussed…
not fully
but just one situtaion.
recently i was in a car with a bunch of people i know and who know my current life situation and also a person who i just met that night
well on the drive home when i was like 1 minute away from being droped off this person asked me are you married?
the answer is of course yes….
but in that answer there is obviously more that needs to be explained to fully, respectfully and truthfully answer that question.
and that cant really happen with 1 minute to share
to truthfully answer that question needs AT LEAST 2 minutes even if i dont know the person
like not even to share anything private about the situtaion…
but to even simply explain the situtaion honestly just takes more than a one word answer

now this is the problem when people ask that question in passing
because i cant lie and inturn i cant really not seem crazy when i give them an answer that fits in the 1 minute time frame…
and here is why

1) if i answer ‘yes’
i seem like those crazy sailor’s-wives-lighthouse-ladies who are like… ‘yes, im married, my husband just isnt here right now’ (but hes been lost at sea for over a year and is probaly not coming back)
so i feel like just saying yes makes me seemed dilusioned and crazy

the other option is to…

b) say ‘yes but were seperated’
but by saying this in that one minute i seem distant and cold about the situation as if i dont really care that this covenent is broken alothough it shouldnt be. when i say this in that one minute it just makes it seem like ‘yeah our marriage doesnt reflect the disign that God has for us, but im cool with that’
when turly im not
it is also difficult fo rme not to seem cold about it when people ask, even if i know them well, because i have had a year or living like im not married although i truly am
they havent had that year so they are upset and shocked while i seem put together
but its not that i am
im not
and it seems like they care more than id o beacuse they ar eteh ones who get sad beacue theyre hearing for the first time… and i know part of them wants to see that in me too
but i have had a year to deal with this now… and i dont mean ive dealt with it and have move on… more like i have had a year to accept that this is my lot right now
a year to still find joy in life
a year to pray
a year to read
a year to be rejected
a year to be a whole sperate person again without him…
a year to decided that somepart of life is always going to be crappy (this is one of the bigger ones) but i have to make a decision everyday to find the joy that God IS blessing me with instead of dwelling on the things i cannot change.
if im striving to do what God is calling me to do and things are still sucky than thats all i can do and i think its ok to embrace the joy and love that IS around me…
because i thnk that is truly from God
and so ive had that year to deal with this so i think i do seem cold when i tell people what is happening
but its not because it doesnt break my heart.
its just beacuse i have had alot alot alot of time to center myself back on Gods love and (though i hate to even admit this) to learn how to cope with the loss of a husband, a best friend, the loss of dreams of life together from ministry to kids, as well as the loss of a brother in Christ.

i just wish people i dont know wouldnt ask it sometimes…
and i know thyre just asking as i would, expecting that it is a happy situation…

but sometimes i pray that people wouldnt ask because i know the Lord can guide their words and i think sometimes not saying anything about it glorifies Him more… espcially if it is one of those 1 minute interactions…i feel like in those one minute interactions you just cant justly explain what God is doing in my life and marriage right now even though its not a reflection of His design
i feel like answering either way cuts God’s amazing work very short…

i thhink the most concise answer i could give to acuratly explain the situation is…
‘yes and in God’s eyes yes… but were seperated right now, but i am commited to seeking reconciliation and restoration which only the Lord can facilitate. im working to be a vessel through which that can happen, but we are seperated right now and so im praying that the Lord’s will be done and if anyone can save a marriage IT IS THE LORD!

but that is a little overwhelming when you first meet someone and they ask you that q in passing and are expecting a 1 word answer… so i guesss ill just stick with a) and b) in those breif moments

so yeah
i just need to get that off my chest

also
isnt ‘get that off mychest’ a silly expression…
so many expressions are just so weird
maybe i will also do an ongoing segment of silly expressions

oh yeah GOD is GOOD!
pleas eknow that today for yourself
HE IS GOOD and works for the Good of those who love HIm.

yikes! this is long!
please feel free to leave comments

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