Category Archives: Thoughts on Sadness

Words

the current boy predicament that i REALLY did my best to try to stay away from…

i FELT a connection
i FELT flirted with
i FELT lovely… and each day i left those things at the door…

each day…
i focused on Christ
i wore unattractive (baggy) clothes
i wore no make up
i even talked about poop!

i pursued nothing…
because i know me
and my heart
and we get hurt too easily

but he perused…
and he persisted
to the point that he was in legal danger if i ever played the ‘professionalism’ card
so when that happened

i FELT like if i was worth that risk to him, than i was worth a lot…
when his ACTIONS spoke loudly, it was then that i began to trust…

i began to trust his WORDS…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CM: awww, adorable.
yay danielle in the dating world
woop woop

dating world just got less awful

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CM: theres no real rule, the whole point of it is so you dont get sued for sexual harrassment or something, cuz sometimes ppl date, and then one person decides the other was a jerk and decides that the best way to get revenge is to sue them or something
im really not so clear on it, because i dont intend on being a jerk
so yeah, we’re good

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CM: aw, you’re one of the good ones. i know things will turn out
you might even be the best one

me: ok
CM: its neck and neck
me: AWWW
thanks!
neck and neck – WHOA!
CM: yep. and i dont even know who with!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THERE IS MORE AND MORE AND MORE
and, then of course, real life conversations as well…

WAS I WRONG?
WAS I CRAZY to have started to turn that cold shoulder his way?
WAS I?

the things he said were wooing and special
honouring and proper… he thought of me as a lady and treated me as such
what he said was hilarious, observant, planned, caring, deep, encouraging and hopeful

lovely and leading…
lovely and leading…

and i felt like God was saying… ‘see… everything before was worth it… FOR THIS!’

but now – after all this, i feel like i was deceived…
and i dont think intentionally…
and i dont even think by him…
i was more-so deceived by myself

BUT!

BOYS!
dont say lovely things then change your mind…
if you and that ‘lady’ dont have a safe context in which to say those lovely things, then dont!

be friends!
JUST – BE – FRIENDS!

if – after prayer, consideration and friendship through the good and bad- you still want to say those lovely things to her… THEN pursue something more and if she reciprocates…
then say all the lovely things you’ve been saving in your heart…
say ALLof them!
She WILL love it!

how much more lovely is that?!


and GIRLS!
dont trust boys…
dont trust boys to be careful with your heart…

even if they know how youve been hurt before…
even if they get upset about how others have hurt you…
even if it feels different…
even if it seems that the stars aligned for you two to BE…
even if all these things happen and more…

…dont trust boys to be careful with your heart.

girls, you all are worth lovely words!
but you were made to hear them from only one person who will love you with lovely words forever
and if that time doesnt come, TRUST that God has and will always love you, in word and in deed, more than boy ever can or ever will.

though they should, boys dont know when to tame their tongues and their words travel deeper than your ears…
…their words make their way into your heart and into your mind and mix with all the hopes and dreams that God has given you, and soon God’s perfect plan becomes chipped and bent and changed to fit these lovely words…

we end up trading God’s perfect words of truth and love for reasonable facsimiles, just to win this idea of a prize for a contest that we’ve made up in our heads…

Christ has won it all… and He STILL considers YOU the prize

John 15:9 – “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.”

Lets remain in His lovely WORD and in His love!

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rib

my rib still hurts sometimes…
what hurts more is that in many ways you’ll never be fully gone

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Filed under Thoughts on Anger, Thoughts on Sadness, Thoughts on Sin or Bad Stuff, Thoughts on Stress, Thoughts on the Human Body

Guard Your Heart

When you choose to be in a relationship with someone, whether romantic or in friendship you choose and end up sacrificing some of your own protection, and you trust that the other person can, and will, protect you the way you need to be protected, through love, care, sacrifice, obedience, and mutual submission.

So why do we so often surround ourselves with people who have proven that they cannot protect us, or our best interests because they cannot, and/or already do not, do it for themselves or for the people currently in their lives?

I think its because we know that they are worthy of such love. we know how much we are loved and forgiven, and how much we are trusted again and again by the Lord and it compels us who have been forgiven much to try and forgive others just as much, so that they might experience that love and acceptance we have known from heaven, in a human relationship on earth…

and yet, we do this almost selfishly because what we want is then for that person to reciprocate that love and acceptance to us…

which is not a guarentee because you have already sacrificed that protection in order to be in that deep relationship and so you are vulnerable…

and even if it all turns out as it always does in movies, any moment of vulnerability is paralyzingly painful…

but for me, as a beleiver in Christ… it is both a terrible and lovely time, because it reminds me that I can only ever lean on Jesus and can trust that ONLY the Lord can love and protect me that way I need to be.

Only Christ can complete me.

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i hate this / the green comet

its 4am

i went out tonight after, possibly, our second to last talk, and i looked at the sky in hopes of seeing the green comet…

i saw it…

it was there…

right where i was told it would be…

but it wasn’t like the pictures…

it wasn’t clear…

it wasn’t dazzling or gleaming…

it wasn’t breath-taking…

it was just nice…

…and mostly it was just there…

…it was more of a let down than anything else…

…it was similar to this.

similar to all this, right now…

though i know the comet is fading out…

i just want, so bad, for it to be the brightest thing in this sky…

and i know that right now it cant be…

…so i know that it never will be…

…and, for now, that’s maybe because the brightest thing in this sky still needs to be the son.

so then i wonder…

if i know that the sun shines infinitely brighter in the day, why do i choose to stay in the sleepy-haze that follows the fanciful seeking of fleeting and fading comets in the night?

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im not perfect BUT I AM LOVED!

ok so i know that im not perfect
but sometimes i feel like certain people are shocked when im not a good example of Christ
please dont be shocked
this happens all the time and im human so it will continue to happen
as i locked my door tonight (i dont know why then, but then), i realized that i could never be truly loved until someone is willing to see that im not perfect
and is willing to love me anyways
and not only see it and love me but then spur me on to BE a better person (a la, “Iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens another.” – Prov 27:17)

i know this is like ‘duh’
but i have analyzed things in my head a million times over and thought…
if only i did this or if only i said that or if only i did more or if only i had not screwed this or that up….
…then maybe things would be different…

but the truth is, if it wasn’t those things that i screwed up
it would have been others
and i would be in the same position

i have an ongoing thing that i say like when i do something good like change the toilet paper roll or straighten up the apartment…
i say to the girls ‘do you love me more now?’
and i mean it as a joke
like knowing their love for me hasnt changed
but as i did this yesterday katy affirmed that she loved me no matter what i did
and that was nice
SO NICE!
because i dont feel like ive had unconditional love affirmed like that, in the place I call home, for a long time

it has always felt like if i cold jump through this hoop or if i just tryed harder than i would be loved
but the truth was that while those conditions for love were there i was never truely being loved….

and while those conditions for love were there, at times i dont even think i was loving…
i think at times i was just jumping through the hoops beacuse I wanted to be loved so bad that i was willing to do anything to FEEL loved… even if i wasnt truely BEING loved…

and in those times i wasnt loving anyone…
not myself or that other person
but what i was loving was that feeling of love…. a feeling that was void of unditional acceptance, forgiveness and… well… love…

i always felt like i didnt measure up and was made to feel like i hadnt earned love…
but what i was trying to earn wasnt love at all…
but simply the aproval of man
the aproval of a boy…

i didnt ‘get’ that despite my best efforts
i would continue to screw things up
i would continue to say the wrong thing
i would continue to be less than perfect because…
THATS WHO I AM THIS SIDE OF HEAVEN!

and no amount of wanting or trying to be perfect in 10 billion moments could make a person TRULY love me for who i am in even one imperfect moment…
because that was then out of my control

i cant ever be loved until i am loved at my worst
and that is love
and thats what Christ did

He has seen me at my worst, forgiven me even before I asked, and loved me knowing that i would hurt Him again and again and again

Christ has truly loved me
and so as much as valentines sucked this year
this has been the best post-valentine’s revelation
and has redeemed this whole valentines for me!
PRAISE GOD that Jesus loves me.
Truly
even in my imperfection.

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Filed under Blogroll, Memories, Scripture, Thoughts About Things That Are Dumb, Thoughts on doing the Opposite of what is Right or Good, Thoughts on Friends, Thoughts on God, Thoughts on Grace, Thoughts on Heaven, Thoughts on Humility, Thoughts on Life, Thoughts on Love, Thoughts on Marriage, Thoughts on Priorities, Thoughts on Sadness, Thoughts on Salvation, Thoughts on Sin or Bad Stuff

i have rubber gloves

i have these rubbber gloves that i had for when i was working in the S.A. warehouse. They’re awesome.
they are just material on the inside and warmish… but diped in rubber on the palms abd fingers so they could protect your hands and help with lifting
i like to put them on
they make me feel like… i can fix anything
i thinik just having them ups my points on the handyman scale of coolness
i dont have a toolbox yet… buti have a nice wine box that i keep my tools in
and it blends better in my room than a red tool box would
so yeah
i like feeling handy

also
i have when things suck
also i love ashley saunders
she makes my heart so happy and i know she loves me no matter what i do
she is amazing
and im so glad i get to be her friend
i hope i alwasy have her in my life
sometimes when things suck i just want to cuddle on her couch and watch a movie and cry and know that she is crying along with me
and i love that
she is true freind
and as well as “a gentleman and a scholar!”
i want to be her neighbour when i grow up
or if not i at least call dibs on being her neighbour in heaven
ok yeah

and i miss ball hockey

waitn: i wish i had a bus pass all the time… but since i dont im going to try and live it up now

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Filed under Thoughts on Exercise, Thoughts on Friends, Thoughts on Heaven, Thoughts on Life, Thoughts on Love, Thoughts on Money, Thoughts on Sadness, Thoughts on Stress, Thoughts on Toronto

Amélie Thoughts, Are You Married? and Expressions

Ok so you know in amélie when they go through the various characters and tell those quirky things that everyone has that they either love or hate…
we all have them
theyre those things you love or hate and you dont always understand why… or you might even think theyre a bit crazy… but you just either love them or hate them or do them…. beacuse you are you!
isnt that kinda beautiful!
these i will call amélie moments
i recently watched the movie again and forgot how interesting i thought that part of the film was
and then this past weekend we were having lunch with our new pastor and we shared some amelie thoughts
our pastor has a secret passion for drywalling
katy likes when all the same coloured paper clips are together and seperated
i cant remember jp’s and we all decided that jono was a living amélie moment… he just does lots of weird stuff
but ithink theyre interesting to share
so these are some of mine….

-i love cleaning computer keyboards and the old rollie-ball mice parts with q-tips and rubbing alcohol…
-when i put stuffed animals in a plastic bag i make sure their faces arent squished against the plastic but that theyre faced in so they have air (this actually came into play alot when i was packing toy mountain toy bags with the sally ann)
-i dont like when people use the word (or non-word) ‘yous’ (as in like yous guys).
-i like when i have a cold glass of water when im eating chocolate

so as these things come to mind i will share them
and as i share them the more i think i should rename this blog, ‘the million crazy things i think each day’
but we’ll see
i dont want to get myself committed or anything!

also

the question are you married needs to be discussed…
not fully
but just one situtaion.
recently i was in a car with a bunch of people i know and who know my current life situation and also a person who i just met that night
well on the drive home when i was like 1 minute away from being droped off this person asked me are you married?
the answer is of course yes….
but in that answer there is obviously more that needs to be explained to fully, respectfully and truthfully answer that question.
and that cant really happen with 1 minute to share
to truthfully answer that question needs AT LEAST 2 minutes even if i dont know the person
like not even to share anything private about the situtaion…
but to even simply explain the situtaion honestly just takes more than a one word answer

now this is the problem when people ask that question in passing
because i cant lie and inturn i cant really not seem crazy when i give them an answer that fits in the 1 minute time frame…
and here is why

1) if i answer ‘yes’
i seem like those crazy sailor’s-wives-lighthouse-ladies who are like… ‘yes, im married, my husband just isnt here right now’ (but hes been lost at sea for over a year and is probaly not coming back)
so i feel like just saying yes makes me seemed dilusioned and crazy

the other option is to…

b) say ‘yes but were seperated’
but by saying this in that one minute i seem distant and cold about the situation as if i dont really care that this covenent is broken alothough it shouldnt be. when i say this in that one minute it just makes it seem like ‘yeah our marriage doesnt reflect the disign that God has for us, but im cool with that’
when turly im not
it is also difficult fo rme not to seem cold about it when people ask, even if i know them well, because i have had a year or living like im not married although i truly am
they havent had that year so they are upset and shocked while i seem put together
but its not that i am
im not
and it seems like they care more than id o beacuse they ar eteh ones who get sad beacue theyre hearing for the first time… and i know part of them wants to see that in me too
but i have had a year to deal with this now… and i dont mean ive dealt with it and have move on… more like i have had a year to accept that this is my lot right now
a year to still find joy in life
a year to pray
a year to read
a year to be rejected
a year to be a whole sperate person again without him…
a year to decided that somepart of life is always going to be crappy (this is one of the bigger ones) but i have to make a decision everyday to find the joy that God IS blessing me with instead of dwelling on the things i cannot change.
if im striving to do what God is calling me to do and things are still sucky than thats all i can do and i think its ok to embrace the joy and love that IS around me…
because i thnk that is truly from God
and so ive had that year to deal with this so i think i do seem cold when i tell people what is happening
but its not because it doesnt break my heart.
its just beacuse i have had alot alot alot of time to center myself back on Gods love and (though i hate to even admit this) to learn how to cope with the loss of a husband, a best friend, the loss of dreams of life together from ministry to kids, as well as the loss of a brother in Christ.

i just wish people i dont know wouldnt ask it sometimes…
and i know thyre just asking as i would, expecting that it is a happy situation…

but sometimes i pray that people wouldnt ask because i know the Lord can guide their words and i think sometimes not saying anything about it glorifies Him more… espcially if it is one of those 1 minute interactions…i feel like in those one minute interactions you just cant justly explain what God is doing in my life and marriage right now even though its not a reflection of His design
i feel like answering either way cuts God’s amazing work very short…

i thhink the most concise answer i could give to acuratly explain the situation is…
‘yes and in God’s eyes yes… but were seperated right now, but i am commited to seeking reconciliation and restoration which only the Lord can facilitate. im working to be a vessel through which that can happen, but we are seperated right now and so im praying that the Lord’s will be done and if anyone can save a marriage IT IS THE LORD!

but that is a little overwhelming when you first meet someone and they ask you that q in passing and are expecting a 1 word answer… so i guesss ill just stick with a) and b) in those breif moments

so yeah
i just need to get that off my chest

also
isnt ‘get that off mychest’ a silly expression…
so many expressions are just so weird
maybe i will also do an ongoing segment of silly expressions

oh yeah GOD is GOOD!
pleas eknow that today for yourself
HE IS GOOD and works for the Good of those who love HIm.

yikes! this is long!
please feel free to leave comments

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Filed under Thoughts About Things That Are Dumb, Thoughts on Amélie Moments, Thoughts on Expressions, Thoughts on Friends, Thoughts on God, Thoughts on Humility, Thoughts on Life Together, Thoughts on Love, Thoughts on Marriage, Thoughts on Prayer, Thoughts on Sadness, Thoughts on Sin or Bad Stuff, Thoughts on Stress

huh?

ok why is it an ‘in’vite if you almost always go ‘out’
also
there is no way im going to be done packing intime
im screwed!
also i dont know if i mentioned this BUT I HATE MOVING
im at that all too familiar place in the moving process where i usually just start to cry at the realization that its 3:30 and tomorrow is my last day to pack for my dads andmost of my stuff is out…
unfortunatly i just cry when things are overwhelming…
its really not condusive to life or living cause unfortunatly this happens often…
like hypothetically in in front of large crowds of people at an AUCC meeting because of missing out on bursaries because tyndale isnt accredited…. (or other hypothetical situations too!)
so that always gets in the way…
im also at the point in moving when the sound of your apartment changes. like puting a fork in the sink suddenly makes a cold shill ringing echo screem through the apartment.
this is eerie… and reminds me of the many times i painted walls white.
im also at the point where i decide that ill just pack up my backpack and just leave and never have to deal with STUFF anymore…
and then i think
no thats not fair to just leave
and thani think
WHY THE HECK DO I STILL HAVE CANDLES FROM GRADE 7?!?
WHY DONT I JUST BURN THEM
i also want to have a bonfire on my apartments lawn just so i dont have to move this stuff again.
so then i settle my mind and decide not to run away and be a vagabond but instead i scramble through the house with a garbage bag and in an instant decide that i no longer need this or that and that goodwill coudl use it more.
thisis the good point…
so i guess im going places
slowly…
but i just never want to move again!
but at the sametime i want to move EVERYWHERE and live EVERYWHERE
and in some ways its good to move cause i have recycled alot of paper that is just in my house and given away alot of stuff i dont need
its like that feeling when youve been inside all day and you step outside into the cold winter air and it kinda hurts your lungs a little bit but you know its atcually good.
i can live with this knowledge
i know this is better

waitn? i wish i could live in a musical… where everyone just starts dancing and singing and waering fun colours…
oh man i bet heaven is like that!

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Filed under Memories, Thoughst on Moving, Thoughts on Heaven, Thoughts on Life, Thoughts on my Adolescence, Thoughts on Sadness

good

its just so good to live life together. community becoming like a family. i can see how God uses each person to bless others and love others… even in our own times of need. and that is awsome. its awsome to see how God provides. i love families alot but God loves them even more… which is awsome. i hope He blesses you and your family today. please pray for families and for frank.

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Filed under Thoughts on Family, Thoughts on God, Thoughts on Life, Thoughts on Life Together, Thoughts on Love, Thoughts on Sadness

my mom + moving + toys

so im packing and moving… again…
i added up how many times i moved between mom and dads house and my own moves into res and my various apartments… its a totaly of 36! in 24 years! and so this will be move number 37.
so needless to say i LOATH moving
with all of my existence
i beleive it should be outlawed….
yet i still desire to live various places…why?
maybe cause ive always lived in toronto.
when my dad and mom seperated (which i dont remember – so im probably scared deep down but i have no conscious memories of them being together!) my dad kept moving further and further away from the city
always northeast of toronto
but those places he lived never felt like home even though i went there every weekend and summer until i was 12
so toronto was and is home and i think at this point it if i ever permanently moved away from here i would feel like it truely isnt home
so ive moved a whole bunch of times in toronto mainly in toronto proper and east york and always within walking distance of the danforth… but since university i mixxed it up a bit living in scarborugh and north york….
i am so thankful to my mom that when we moved she worked so hard to keep us in the same neighbourhood and in the same schools growing up
looking back that made moving easier to know that only one thing was changing
things were never good with us even when i was little… i remember wanting to live with my dad cause my mom favoured my brother and i never felt like she liked my very much cause i looked more like my dad and my name was like his and we were alot alike in many ways… while matt was more like her
i remember when my dad would drop us off i would stand in the window or on the lawnand wave until i coudlnt see the car anymore
and then i would cry
and then my mom would get upset (understandibley*)
but i just remember for walways not getting along with her
and argueing with her
and hating her boyfriends
and as i got older i felt like she wasnt respecting herself enough and that was why i didnt like them
and she never dating nice guys
she dated rich guys
guys who were engeniers who were confused and nearly retarded around kids
they were full out jerks… they just werent deserving of my mom
its weird cause i never got along with herbut iKNEW she deserved better than anything she had
as i sit here now, older, crying
i cant imagine being in her shoes
she was like 35 when my dad and her split and all of a sudden everything was on her
i love my dad alot but i know he didnt treat my mom with the respect that she deserved and when they split up he didnt support her at all finacially
so as im going thorugh a seperation myself and feeling alone and misunderstood but also know that everyone cant understand everything and people shouldnt know somethings and it hurts being used and screwed over finacially and everything
I THANK THE LORD THAT I DONT HAVE KIDS
i coudlnt imagine dealing with this unexpected lot and having to raise kids escentially on my own
oh wow
i love her so much and i think i respect her even mmore than that
i know at one time she was raising us, working and going to george brown college!
like when did she sleep
actually remember that she didnt really
i remember one time i woke up in the night and she was awake doing a school project using my barbies and their clothes
she was doing geretology and had to design a room that would easily accomodate old people…
thats one of my favourite memories of her…
we stayed up making a room for barbies
i remeber thinging that was realy cool
im sure everyone else just submitted their papers
but my mom always thought outside the box
she went the extra mile
like she thoughtoutside the box
andi think in alot of ways im like her
my dad says im so much like her like that
i also remember her struggling through french books with me when i brought them home – it was my dad who was the frenchie but she struggled to help me even though she was in over her head
i remember she would alsways read “Love You Forever” by Robert Munsch – one of my favourite books EVER!
i dont think i get through it without crying
i remember lying in her bed with her and rubbing the backside of her arms and her skin was so soft and beautiful and i used to call her ‘mushy arms’ (which i think i had kids and they called me that would make me pretty sad)
i think she just had the raw hand in the game of life
and i know it could always have been worse but i think she didnt get at all what she thought she would be and certainly not what she deserved
i remember we never had money
and i remember wheni was 7 or 8 we wereliving in the basement of one our freinds houses and it was my birthday and she got me this ciramic dog (probably from the dollar store) and i was proud of it and i loved it so much that i took it to school and i remeber it was in a plastic bag and it got broken somehow…
i remeber coming home and not wanting to tell her cause i knew it probaly cost alot for us
but she knew i was sad and i told her it was broken and that i didnt want to tell her beacuse i knew it cost alot for us and i remeber that she laughed sort of sadly i think because she was sad that i cared so much that i had broken something that cost a dollar and was so sad oevr it
i think she was sad that i understood how bad shape we were in
like sad that i was as much of a kid that she would have wanted me to be
i remeber she said she would get me another one – i feel like she never did but i think that she would have and i can picture it so maybe she did i i just cant remeber specifically
and i remeber whenever we were sick she would always cuddle with us and bring us a cold wet faceclothe for our foreheads
i remember even one of the last places i lived with her i was in first year of university and i got sick and i remember wanting to be close to her like i used to be wheni was kid – i had been so independent for so long – i remeber wnating to cuddle with her and i dont remeber if i came to her or if she came to me but we slept in the same bed taht night and cuddled
and she took care of me again
it was weird
but so nice
when she got cancer when i was 12 i remeber feeling so bad for her and feeling mad that i was all alone
thats when i tryed to take care of her
and i couldnt
cold clothes never made her feel better
and i dont really remember very much of her really…. i just remeber her sleeping
all the time
and i remeber being mad – not at her but just in general that i was the one argueing with my brother telling him he had to go to school and he had to help out
and i remember hearing her throw up in the bathroom and being mad beacuse i thought she was making herself throw up – it made me never want to deal with any of that teenage girl crap about anorexia and bulimia – looking back it may have been cause she was sick but im not sure
so its weird cause i feel like whole time i have hardley any memories of her… and it makes me mad at myslef that was so slef absorbed in that time withs school and friends that i didnt take the time to make more meories with her…
cause thats when she porbably needed those types of times most
i just wish i could redo everything from 12 to this past summer with her
and i wish that she would wish the same thing
but i wonder if she would beause she still denys things – that hurt so bad to know that shes still lying
but i love her so mcuh that its not worth it to press the case anymore
but it took me until this year to get that
i think what made me understand her so much more is going thorugh this seperation
i feel like i can se everything that she did and allowed and said through different, more sympathetic eyes…
i dont think any of the bad stuff that happened can be justified but i can understand why things were like that
this is the weird part
where i can know that its wrong but accept that maybe she didnt have the tools or tthe love to know how to how to do some things right
i hope that this is how we are different
i think i have been so blessed and know that i am loved by God beyond anything that the worlde sees as love that i think that alough i can understand why she was and is the way she is that i will never be like that because i have a greater example of parenting to try to exemplyfy
and i really think considering everything my mom did an amazing job
but it doenst mena that i dont struggle
i do
daily
there are alot of things i try to to avaoid being like her
its sounds awful cause i really do think she did her most – but i struggle daily to not be like her in so amny ways – sometiem its even my conscious goal BUT athe the same time i am so glad that God gave her to me as my mom! i dont know anyone who could have done the things she did and coudl have managed the lot she had been given the way she could
i really hope that she will come to knwo the Lord and one day see that He allowed that lot for her beacuse he saw that strength in her and knew that others coudlnt do it but she coudl
i want to tell her these things beacuse im more like my dad and emotional and mushy and seeking meaning
but she is very much brittish -stiff upperlip
so evern when i try to soften that mask in many ways the discussion gets denied
i think i have softened her up over the years – espcially after moving out
but i just want her to let down the guards arond her heart… and let me love her and others and mainly God
i understadn why theyre there but it doesnt mean they belong
Oh Lord please break down those walls in Jesus’ name
of everyone i know she is most deserving of his love
she sacrificed so much of herself for my brother and i and i know i cant even love her right…. i know only Christ can

WHOA!
so all of this came about cause i was trying to get alot of packing done tonight and i was sorting through some old toys and i got sad cause some of the toys that were special to me when i was little
like my cabbage patch doll and and this other clown i had named annie
and a while bunch of others got given away
beacuse im an idiot
i had them in my apt in scarborough and then when i wnet to camp sebago i packed up and moved within 2 weeks and asked my landlord if i could pick them up at the end of the summer
which was 3 summers agos
so i called recently cause i found his number and i had just always assumed they were there but about a year ago tired of holding onto them he donated them all
it was my own fault
but then i started crying and thinking about this one timemy mom had a lawn sale cause we needed money i suppose and i had this doll that i wasnt super attached to but she was reakky big and so i liked her for that and my mom really wanted me to sell her adn i didnt really want to but i said ok
so i remember hopeing no one would buy her and then someone did and i remeber watching the family take her down the street and around the corner and i remember just crying cause i knew i would never see her again
so yeah!
its been quite a night!
geez louise!
i was only trying to pack
im gonna say overall this was productive
and a good time of raw contemplation
so in summery
i love my mom
im thuroughly upset about my toys being gone
and i hate moving
these three ramain
wow that was alot… i think i wont edit this so it just is as i thought… iguess thats fitting for ‘things i think’

waitn? i need to drink water or i will have a headache in the morning, people are going to know i cant spell, i love my mom alot and i think she is beautiful
June 15, 1983
classic mama
snow day
big eyes
ballet ladies

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Filed under Memories, Thoughts on Life, Thoughts on my Adolescence, Thoughts on Parents, Thoughts on Sadness