ooops sorry to keep you waiting i forgot and forgot and forgot about you
and im very sorry anyways
i cant promise this will mean that i will be a better poster
but at least you know that i finally remembered to love you
so hi ok so news well theres lots
but to begin
today my fish died
another one
thats the second one in a month and a half
im a bad parent his name was michael jackson because he used to be a gold fish but then turned white
so yeah that minor news theres lots and lots of other really big stuff but oh gosh i just cant bring myself to write about it all right now
but im excited about life so tahnks for hanging in there keep hanging till im back on track and i love you
love d
waitn: LEAVE ALL YOUR CONCERNS AT THE CROSS

im not perfect BUT I AM LOVED!

ok so i know that im not perfect
but sometimes i feel like certain people are shocked when im not a good example of Christ
please dont be shocked
this happens all the time and im human so it will continue to happen
as i locked my door tonight (i dont know why then, but then), i realized that i could never be truly loved until someone is willing to see that im not perfect
and is willing to love me anyways
and not only see it and love me but then spur me on to BE a better person (a la, “Iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens another.” – Prov 27:17)

i know this is like ‘duh’
but i have analyzed things in my head a million times over and thought…
if only i did this or if only i said that or if only i did more or if only i had not screwed this or that up….
…then maybe things would be different…

but the truth is, if it wasn’t those things that i screwed up
it would have been others
and i would be in the same position

i have an ongoing thing that i say like when i do something good like change the toilet paper roll or straighten up the apartment…
i say to the girls ‘do you love me more now?’
and i mean it as a joke
like knowing their love for me hasnt changed
but as i did this yesterday katy affirmed that she loved me no matter what i did
and that was nice
SO NICE!
because i dont feel like ive had unconditional love affirmed like that, in the place I call home, for a long time

it has always felt like if i cold jump through this hoop or if i just tryed harder than i would be loved
but the truth was that while those conditions for love were there i was never truely being loved….

and while those conditions for love were there, at times i dont even think i was loving…
i think at times i was just jumping through the hoops beacuse I wanted to be loved so bad that i was willing to do anything to FEEL loved… even if i wasnt truely BEING loved…

and in those times i wasnt loving anyone…
not myself or that other person
but what i was loving was that feeling of love…. a feeling that was void of unditional acceptance, forgiveness and… well… love…

i always felt like i didnt measure up and was made to feel like i hadnt earned love…
but what i was trying to earn wasnt love at all…
but simply the aproval of man
the aproval of a boy…

i didnt ‘get’ that despite my best efforts
i would continue to screw things up
i would continue to say the wrong thing
i would continue to be less than perfect because…
THATS WHO I AM THIS SIDE OF HEAVEN!

and no amount of wanting or trying to be perfect in 10 billion moments could make a person TRULY love me for who i am in even one imperfect moment…
because that was then out of my control

i cant ever be loved until i am loved at my worst
and that is love
and thats what Christ did

He has seen me at my worst, forgiven me even before I asked, and loved me knowing that i would hurt Him again and again and again

Christ has truly loved me
and so as much as valentines sucked this year
this has been the best post-valentine’s revelation
and has redeemed this whole valentines for me!
PRAISE GOD that Jesus loves me.
Truly
even in my imperfection.

Various Thoughts on Sat. Feb. 9. 08

-i like walking under the hydro lines when it rains or snows beacuse it makes a neat buzzing noise
i even take my headphones out to listen to this
-i never really get so into books but ive now experienced what many others talk about when they say they couldnt put the book down
i never jumped on the donald miller band wagon because it was so full of people there was almost no room and i dont like to be squished like that. so now that the ‘blue lize jazz’ frenzy has died down i decided to bring it to my drug study
and wow
it actually is good
liek it wasnt just popular for no reason
its funny and thoughtful and good
ive taken lots of good notes as ive read so i would like to post those soon
what else….
oh drug study stuff… thats another post…

Drug Study Funnies

so many things happen in drug studies that are way way funny or way anoying
but some of the people can be catagorized easily…
and even though theyre different people… there are some common characters in each study…

- theres always one guy who is like the alpha male of the group and is the king of the tv and no matter who that guy is he always ends up putting on those obnoxious movies like saw or crank
or some other retarded that im not sure how this would not be considered porn
so thats always lovely…

- theres always at least 1 girl who, at 7 on a snowy morning, looks like she is going out to a club
like really are we supposed to think youre so important that you need to wear your hoop earrings and have your hair done up and have your hooker boots on…. i know youre going home to have a nap anyways so what the crap
is it that youre trying to impress the drug study guys
so that when you walk up to give your blood they all watch your but and wish that you and your shiny new 50$ was coming home with them
like really
do you really want THOSE GUYS to like you
which brings me to my next point

- lifers
lifers are lazy creepers who almost always are still living with their parents and who do drug studies as a way of living
some of them are crazy from all the drugs theyve taken (like brain drugs – not the ones i do)
some of them you just wouldnt want to meet in a back alley anywhere
some of them seem normal but when you start talking to them are really weird -
like this one guy who does a drug study every month and just reads (see sounds cool) but he also only buys female oranges and male celery and other gender specific fruits and vegetables. he also told me he just ate cake icing for like a month or something just cause he liked it
so yeah there are the normal looking weird ones
but theyre usually just entertaining and not like life threatening

-then there are the mammas
there are the women who have children at home and drug testing is good for them cause it pays the bills and lets them have more time with their kids
theyre usually pretty nice
but theyre funny cause they usually have boyfriends in chicago or detroit and that seems to just be ok with them

-showering
showering is funny because there are two opposing views on the subject in the ladies washroom
1) group always points out that the people who dont shower are ‘naaasty’ and they say it jus like its spelled.
2) then there are the other people who thinks its ‘naaaasty’ to show while youre there because of the chance of getting foot fungus – plus having to bring all your shower stuff
im in category 2 but i dont mention that to anyone because id rather not be involved in the discussion
i would also like to note that the girls in group 1 are usually the ones who are going out clubbing at 7am
i dont really know what that means
but im sure its something

-the stupid ignorant white guy
this guy isnt in every study but he ends up being in alot of them
he too is different every time
but hes always an embarrassment to humanity
he is middle aged and often looks like kim mitchell (circa 1980)
the stupid white guy thinks he is very very funny and uses the fact that everyone is stuck in 1 room to try his slick stand up comedy jokes
but no one laughs because no one cares
except for stupid white guy’s friend who is always white too and who is also middle aged and was probably a nerd in highschool but now has burn copies of movies and man glasses so he thinks he is cool and that girls like him
but we dont
this morning as we watched CNN as we waited to leave there was a story about a doctor in india who had stole peoples kidneys while they were in surgery
and so of course stupid white guy decided it would be a good idea to talk in an indian accent
and call the people whos kidneys were taken stupid

- the spanish mafia
the spanish mafia has really taken over the drug study scene in the last year or so
i say mafia cause it sounds cooler
at first there were just a few now there are tonnes
and they all hang out and dont speak english unless they have to
the women are usually really nice and read bibles or are really nice and wear crotch hugging spandex pants
the men walk around like all the women want to have sex with them and say things about you in spanish to the other spanish guys when you walk past them
but theyre greasy and wear tear offs and AS IF!

- speaking of Gods gift to women
there was black guy this week who was talk to two of the black mamas and and was tellin g them plainly, in a normal conversational voice that black men were teh desired men
that all the women of other races wanted to be with black men and that black men were in high demand
hes said it like he had heard this just after the story about the kidney stealing doctor on CNN
he said it like everyone knew this
like it was a fact of life
which leads me to another group of guys

-the ‘coulda gone pro’ guys
these guys wear their sweats and basketball shoes and walk like theyre football players staying warm on the sidelines.
they always wanna watch football and basketball and talk like they know everything about everything sports and have an air about them that screams i know im hot
but theyre usually the ones that live in their parents basements
or talk about how black men are the most desired
well there are others…
but those are teh ones that were sticking out in my mind right now
BUT – my favourite thing is that its really neat to sleep in a room of random strangers
Its really lovely
last night it gave me the similar feeling of sleeping under the stars

Bucket List

tonight i saw bucket list
it was great
i really enjoyed it
it made me cry
of course…!
but it has only sparked in me a travel bug
I JUST WANT TO SEE EVERYTHING
i like when movies make you wanna live life and dream big dreams
like why couldnt i go to the taj mahal?!
but i never really thought i could
until tonight
and now im like
mayeb i could
sure i could
if God allows me a door way there
IM GONNA STEP OUT
oh life is exciting!
beacuse even if your stuck in the mundane…
life offers the chance for adventure
and that chance alone is enough to make me wanna dance and spin around the living room

which reminds me of this song thatis probably classified under the adult contemporary genre of music
but i think its what is says is really good
it too makes me wanna live life
beacuse you never quite know whats next….

here are teh lyrics to that song…
and i hope you start living TODAY!

“I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you’ll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they’re worth taking
Lovin’ might be a mistake
But it’s worth making
Don’t let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you’ll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone) “

wow!
yeah
and i hope today you see HOW MUCH GOD LOVES YOU and that you recognize the beautiful things He has placed in your life, even right now
tonight im thankful for the adventurous love of the Lord!

“Now God, don’t hold out on me, don’t hold back your passion. Your love and truth are all that keeps me together” Psalm 40:11

i have rubber gloves

i have these rubbber gloves that i had for when i was working in the S.A. warehouse. They’re awesome.
they are just material on the inside and warmish… but diped in rubber on the palms abd fingers so they could protect your hands and help with lifting
i like to put them on
they make me feel like… i can fix anything
i thinik just having them ups my points on the handyman scale of coolness
i dont have a toolbox yet… buti have a nice wine box that i keep my tools in
and it blends better in my room than a red tool box would
so yeah
i like feeling handy

also
i have when things suck
also i love ashley saunders
she makes my heart so happy and i know she loves me no matter what i do
she is amazing
and im so glad i get to be her friend
i hope i alwasy have her in my life
sometimes when things suck i just want to cuddle on her couch and watch a movie and cry and know that she is crying along with me
and i love that
she is true freind
and as well as “a gentleman and a scholar!”
i want to be her neighbour when i grow up
or if not i at least call dibs on being her neighbour in heaven
ok yeah

and i miss ball hockey

waitn: i wish i had a bus pass all the time… but since i dont im going to try and live it up now

Amélie Thoughts, Are You Married? and Expressions

Ok so you know in amélie when they go through the various characters and tell those quirky things that everyone has that they either love or hate…
we all have them
theyre those things you love or hate and you dont always understand why… or you might even think theyre a bit crazy… but you just either love them or hate them or do them…. beacuse you are you!
isnt that kinda beautiful!
these i will call amélie moments
i recently watched the movie again and forgot how interesting i thought that part of the film was
and then this past weekend we were having lunch with our new pastor and we shared some amelie thoughts
our pastor has a secret passion for drywalling
katy likes when all the same coloured paper clips are together and seperated
i cant remember jp’s and we all decided that jono was a living amélie moment… he just does lots of weird stuff
but ithink theyre interesting to share
so these are some of mine….

-i love cleaning computer keyboards and the old rollie-ball mice parts with q-tips and rubbing alcohol…
-when i put stuffed animals in a plastic bag i make sure their faces arent squished against the plastic but that theyre faced in so they have air (this actually came into play alot when i was packing toy mountain toy bags with the sally ann)
-i dont like when people use the word (or non-word) ‘yous’ (as in like yous guys).
-i like when i have a cold glass of water when im eating chocolate

so as these things come to mind i will share them
and as i share them the more i think i should rename this blog, ‘the million crazy things i think each day’
but we’ll see
i dont want to get myself committed or anything!

also

the question are you married needs to be discussed…
not fully
but just one situtaion.
recently i was in a car with a bunch of people i know and who know my current life situation and also a person who i just met that night
well on the drive home when i was like 1 minute away from being droped off this person asked me are you married?
the answer is of course yes….
but in that answer there is obviously more that needs to be explained to fully, respectfully and truthfully answer that question.
and that cant really happen with 1 minute to share
to truthfully answer that question needs AT LEAST 2 minutes even if i dont know the person
like not even to share anything private about the situtaion…
but to even simply explain the situtaion honestly just takes more than a one word answer

now this is the problem when people ask that question in passing
because i cant lie and inturn i cant really not seem crazy when i give them an answer that fits in the 1 minute time frame…
and here is why

1) if i answer ‘yes’
i seem like those crazy sailor’s-wives-lighthouse-ladies who are like… ‘yes, im married, my husband just isnt here right now’ (but hes been lost at sea for over a year and is probaly not coming back)
so i feel like just saying yes makes me seemed dilusioned and crazy

the other option is to…

b) say ‘yes but were seperated’
but by saying this in that one minute i seem distant and cold about the situation as if i dont really care that this covenent is broken alothough it shouldnt be. when i say this in that one minute it just makes it seem like ‘yeah our marriage doesnt reflect the disign that God has for us, but im cool with that’
when turly im not
it is also difficult fo rme not to seem cold about it when people ask, even if i know them well, because i have had a year or living like im not married although i truly am
they havent had that year so they are upset and shocked while i seem put together
but its not that i am
im not
and it seems like they care more than id o beacuse they ar eteh ones who get sad beacue theyre hearing for the first time… and i know part of them wants to see that in me too
but i have had a year to deal with this now… and i dont mean ive dealt with it and have move on… more like i have had a year to accept that this is my lot right now
a year to still find joy in life
a year to pray
a year to read
a year to be rejected
a year to be a whole sperate person again without him…
a year to decided that somepart of life is always going to be crappy (this is one of the bigger ones) but i have to make a decision everyday to find the joy that God IS blessing me with instead of dwelling on the things i cannot change.
if im striving to do what God is calling me to do and things are still sucky than thats all i can do and i think its ok to embrace the joy and love that IS around me…
because i thnk that is truly from God
and so ive had that year to deal with this so i think i do seem cold when i tell people what is happening
but its not because it doesnt break my heart.
its just beacuse i have had alot alot alot of time to center myself back on Gods love and (though i hate to even admit this) to learn how to cope with the loss of a husband, a best friend, the loss of dreams of life together from ministry to kids, as well as the loss of a brother in Christ.

i just wish people i dont know wouldnt ask it sometimes…
and i know thyre just asking as i would, expecting that it is a happy situation…

but sometimes i pray that people wouldnt ask because i know the Lord can guide their words and i think sometimes not saying anything about it glorifies Him more… espcially if it is one of those 1 minute interactions…i feel like in those one minute interactions you just cant justly explain what God is doing in my life and marriage right now even though its not a reflection of His design
i feel like answering either way cuts God’s amazing work very short…

i thhink the most concise answer i could give to acuratly explain the situation is…
‘yes and in God’s eyes yes… but were seperated right now, but i am commited to seeking reconciliation and restoration which only the Lord can facilitate. im working to be a vessel through which that can happen, but we are seperated right now and so im praying that the Lord’s will be done and if anyone can save a marriage IT IS THE LORD!

but that is a little overwhelming when you first meet someone and they ask you that q in passing and are expecting a 1 word answer… so i guesss ill just stick with a) and b) in those breif moments

so yeah
i just need to get that off my chest

also
isnt ‘get that off mychest’ a silly expression…
so many expressions are just so weird
maybe i will also do an ongoing segment of silly expressions

oh yeah GOD is GOOD!
pleas eknow that today for yourself
HE IS GOOD and works for the Good of those who love HIm.

yikes! this is long!
please feel free to leave comments

Names and Toothbrush and Cute Kids

right now im thinking i like the names…

sabastian
lucy
maggie
tosh
annabella

also
i got an electric toothbrush… just one of those oral-b ones
IT IS TRUELY A WHOLE NEW LEVEL OF CLEAN!

also
what is with people being like ‘oh they have really cute kids… you’ll love them’
why would i love people or even like them just cause they have cite kids….
even if they were model babies…
that doesnt mean i would like the parents…
do they mean it like ‘you will want to play with their kids and so you will want to be friends with these people’?
i dont get that…
i think thats dumb when people say that…
but girls say that often

ok
im goingto bed now
waitn: my plants are dying! they didnt take to the move as well as i did

lucy in the sky with diamonds

i like watching the lights of the airplanes float over the city, through the night sky, going to the airport

its pretty

Juno and an Adventure of Biblical Proportions

i saw the movie juno
it was good
it was artys and fun and sad and beautiful… it was life-ish
this is what i think…

- i love paulie bleeker… i would consider marrying him
- i like Juno’s dad’s speech about who to be with
- i also think jason bateman is dreamy… mainly beacuse of arrested development and not juno because hes a bit of a weed in juno
- i heart paulie bleeker
- jennifer gradner is a good actress… she is also pretty hot
- i liked the soundtrack… it was good saturday morning french toast music
- did i mention as far as boyfriends go, paulie bleeker is boss

Also I have found a really great reason to study the Bible indeptth again
im excited
i might even have the chance to crack open my greek NT to do this!
i like studying the bible… but i find it hard to study academically when i dont hvae a direct reason
hopefully this reason will inspire me not to have a reason anymore
it will be an adventure
an adventure of Biblical proportions! (haha im sooooooooooo funny)
and it will be challenging and covered in prayer
and that is good
and the Lord is with me! PTL!
I LOVE THAT GUY!

waitn? i miss seeing the stores that i remember seeing as a kid when i go downtown now
there are a few different torontos in my head
i like my roommates, katy and michelle, and i like thatour home feels like home
home is nice