labyrinth

i have this memory of being at some sort of party, i think with my dad and all the kids were watching labyrinth in the basement. and i think matt and i were the youngest there and i think matt got scared and then he went upstairs.

i also remember watching ET at my aunts house when my dad had us and i remember being really scared. and i was scared for years. and then i remembermy mum getting upset with my dad that he would let us watch ET

i also remember my cousin jeremy and his gf brenda babysat us once when i was maybe like 8-10 and we rented thelma and louise and i was scared to go upstairs to the bathroom alone and i realy had to go so brenda took me and it was right at the end and she missed the really important part

ok just a though
or two

it all started cause in dorm danielle and nice-eye would put on that song from labyrinth… (i think) and everyone would hear it and we would all know it was dance party time!
so great
one of my most fav memories
i am blessed
but i am tired

goodnight moon, goodnight stars

TTC Crazy

i am a TTC Crazy
i think i look normal when compaired to the others but im definatly crazy
mainly because when i get on the TTC often two irrational fears swell in my mind making it difficult to relax

FEAR 1. my hair being cut and later used for a vodo doll through which the crazy person coudl control me.
i have had this fear for a long time… maybe like 12…
it mainlly happens on the bus because everyone is sitting facing forward…
i try to sit in front of people who look trust-worthy and like they probably dont have scissors in their bag…
BUT sometimes those people get off at like the next stop and then then IT SEEMS IN MY HEAD that the weirdest guy on the bus decides to move to that seat…
its mostly that im scared on men doing this
i dont think a woman is likely to do this
sometimes when i first sit down on the bus i am aware and i tuck my ponytail into my scarf or my sweater or my jacket… or if its summer i bring it to my shoulder so i know where it it and know that its not being cut.
im not sure how i feel about vodo…
its definatly evil…
BUT IM SAVED…
and i have the power of the blood of Jesus Christ… (its basically the closest thing to being a superhero!) so really… i dont think that even if someone cut my hair and used it for a voodoo doll that they could control me
especially cause i think they would still need a personal item of mine
but i dont know if it actually works…
so I DONT WANT TO TAKE MY CHANCES…

FEAR 2. Getting off the bus/subway
when i know my stop is approaching i get nervous…
the voodoo fear is somewhat validated because you never really know with torontonians
but this one i dont get…
ive been riding the subway since i was conceived
so you think id be pretty relaxed about this…
i wish i was…
so what usually happens in my mind is this…
-while still at the stop before my stop i check that i have everything in my bag and that nothing is missing like a glove or wallet or my ponytail and i mentally prepare for getting off
(as i am writing this i amm laughing out load cause i am such a nerd! oh my the things that run through my head are crazy but i dont realize HOW crazy they are until i am in preparation to share them with the world. anyways)
-then i think through how long it usually takes to get from the current station to my destination. this is easier on the bus because you can see when its coming. the average is think around like 2 minutes for each station. but york mills to lawrence is like and hour and a half… one time i had a major internal freakout because i did not realize that this was such a long ride between these stations and i got up too early. which is the next problem ill get to in a second.
-so then i try to figure out which side the platform is on so i dont have to turn around once im up. knowing that this makes me stressed i should have them all memorized by now… well i think i mostly do for the east end of toronto and the yonge line… and honestly… why would anyone want to go to the west end?
finch and kennedy are kickers cause you never know what side it will be
but its usually not that bad cause everyone is getting off so there is less looking at others (i hope some of the others feel stressed too and that im not the only crazy one)
-so once i standup there is alot of anxiety… i just dont like it when people look at me… especially good looking men. then i feel like… oh great.. is my fly down? is my hair messy? did i leave a glove on my seat?
but then i also worry that if men are looking at me that theyre taking a mental picture and will be ‘un-holy’ later…
so sometimes (especially at night, and always if im the only girl on the train) i will purposely look ugly. like ill snort or wipe my nose on my sleeve or draw my chin back and make many double chins… who wants to be un-holy to that!
ok so yeah i dont like the standing up part.
so sometimes i just wait till im at the station to get off so that theyre is no standing/looking fear… but this greatly increases my ‘i may have left something behind fear’ so i usually opt for the standing…
but i do use the ‘last minute sneak out the door when the train is in the station’ exit when im the only girl on the train or if there is a particularly stalker/rapist/killer looking man who had been staring at me for the duration of the trip.
i think this is crazy… but so far i have been blessed by God (im pretty sure there have been multiple times when there were angels there protecting me) and none of those things have happened to me so i think i haveto do my part to be wise.
-ok so, once im off the train im usually fine unless i dont really know the station well
in which case i usually get embarrassed (dont ask why… im just crazy) and i feel like the people on the subway are watching me so i usually go with the flow and hope see signs for where im going…
my dad used to be a private detective so he always used to teach my brother and i self defence and street smarts…
one of the things was to never look like a victim.
dont let people know that youre not sure where youre not familiar with your surroundings or you could quickly become a target.
this advice came in handy when i was in NY by myself… i couldnt find a map before hand in boston to study
so when the bus stopped in chinatown i didnt do what im sure many new comers do and stand looking around at their map right at the bus stop. i just started walking….
andi lived so hey…. maybe theres something to this…
so yeah i usually go with the crowd but today (cause i was late-ish) i stopped and checked before i started wlaking.

so yeah
and then the craziness stops.
pretty crazy huh!
i would just like t say that before anyone suggests a psychotherapist or hypnotization to cure me of this… i have been working on both of these. today the lady behind me got off and someone sat behind me and i didnt even turn around to look AND i left my ponytail BEHIND my shoulder…
so im going places… (get it!)

ok in other news… i took the TTC to a job interview today at the salvation army. its just for a seasonal christmas position where i would be in charge of overseeing corporate volunteers who come in and help distribute toys and food to needy families in toronto for Christmas
WHAT A WAY TO CELEBRATE THE LIFE OF CHRIST!
so that woudl be cool.
the excitement for these types of jobs remain but the hope is barely there…
ok bye
oh yeah

waitn? (these usually have to do with food isnt that awful) once again i want a crispy crunch but i have to try to get into this drug study in like 2 hours so i can have chocolate…
my hands are SO cold!

my mom + moving + toys

so im packing and moving… again…
i added up how many times i moved between mom and dads house and my own moves into res and my various apartments… its a totaly of 36! in 24 years! and so this will be move number 37.
so needless to say i LOATH moving
with all of my existence
i beleive it should be outlawed….
yet i still desire to live various places…why?
maybe cause ive always lived in toronto.
when my dad and mom seperated (which i dont remember – so im probably scared deep down but i have no conscious memories of them being together!) my dad kept moving further and further away from the city
always northeast of toronto
but those places he lived never felt like home even though i went there every weekend and summer until i was 12
so toronto was and is home and i think at this point it if i ever permanently moved away from here i would feel like it truely isnt home
so ive moved a whole bunch of times in toronto mainly in toronto proper and east york and always within walking distance of the danforth… but since university i mixxed it up a bit living in scarborugh and north york….
i am so thankful to my mom that when we moved she worked so hard to keep us in the same neighbourhood and in the same schools growing up
looking back that made moving easier to know that only one thing was changing
things were never good with us even when i was little… i remember wanting to live with my dad cause my mom favoured my brother and i never felt like she liked my very much cause i looked more like my dad and my name was like his and we were alot alike in many ways… while matt was more like her
i remember when my dad would drop us off i would stand in the window or on the lawnand wave until i coudlnt see the car anymore
and then i would cry
and then my mom would get upset (understandibley*)
but i just remember for walways not getting along with her
and argueing with her
and hating her boyfriends
and as i got older i felt like she wasnt respecting herself enough and that was why i didnt like them
and she never dating nice guys
she dated rich guys
guys who were engeniers who were confused and nearly retarded around kids
they were full out jerks… they just werent deserving of my mom
its weird cause i never got along with herbut iKNEW she deserved better than anything she had
as i sit here now, older, crying
i cant imagine being in her shoes
she was like 35 when my dad and her split and all of a sudden everything was on her
i love my dad alot but i know he didnt treat my mom with the respect that she deserved and when they split up he didnt support her at all finacially
so as im going thorugh a seperation myself and feeling alone and misunderstood but also know that everyone cant understand everything and people shouldnt know somethings and it hurts being used and screwed over finacially and everything
I THANK THE LORD THAT I DONT HAVE KIDS
i coudlnt imagine dealing with this unexpected lot and having to raise kids escentially on my own
oh wow
i love her so much and i think i respect her even mmore than that
i know at one time she was raising us, working and going to george brown college!
like when did she sleep
actually remember that she didnt really
i remember one time i woke up in the night and she was awake doing a school project using my barbies and their clothes
she was doing geretology and had to design a room that would easily accomodate old people…
thats one of my favourite memories of her…
we stayed up making a room for barbies
i remeber thinging that was realy cool
im sure everyone else just submitted their papers
but my mom always thought outside the box
she went the extra mile
like she thoughtoutside the box
andi think in alot of ways im like her
my dad says im so much like her like that
i also remember her struggling through french books with me when i brought them home – it was my dad who was the frenchie but she struggled to help me even though she was in over her head
i remember she would alsways read “Love You Forever” by Robert Munsch – one of my favourite books EVER!
i dont think i get through it without crying
i remember lying in her bed with her and rubbing the backside of her arms and her skin was so soft and beautiful and i used to call her ‘mushy arms’ (which i think i had kids and they called me that would make me pretty sad)
i think she just had the raw hand in the game of life
and i know it could always have been worse but i think she didnt get at all what she thought she would be and certainly not what she deserved
i remember we never had money
and i remember wheni was 7 or 8 we wereliving in the basement of one our freinds houses and it was my birthday and she got me this ciramic dog (probably from the dollar store) and i was proud of it and i loved it so much that i took it to school and i remeber it was in a plastic bag and it got broken somehow…
i remeber coming home and not wanting to tell her cause i knew it probaly cost alot for us
but she knew i was sad and i told her it was broken and that i didnt want to tell her beacuse i knew it cost alot for us and i remeber that she laughed sort of sadly i think because she was sad that i cared so much that i had broken something that cost a dollar and was so sad oevr it
i think she was sad that i understood how bad shape we were in
like sad that i was as much of a kid that she would have wanted me to be
i remeber she said she would get me another one – i feel like she never did but i think that she would have and i can picture it so maybe she did i i just cant remeber specifically
and i remeber whenever we were sick she would always cuddle with us and bring us a cold wet faceclothe for our foreheads
i remember even one of the last places i lived with her i was in first year of university and i got sick and i remember wanting to be close to her like i used to be wheni was kid – i had been so independent for so long – i remeber wnating to cuddle with her and i dont remeber if i came to her or if she came to me but we slept in the same bed taht night and cuddled
and she took care of me again
it was weird
but so nice
when she got cancer when i was 12 i remeber feeling so bad for her and feeling mad that i was all alone
thats when i tryed to take care of her
and i couldnt
cold clothes never made her feel better
and i dont really remember very much of her really…. i just remeber her sleeping
all the time
and i remeber being mad – not at her but just in general that i was the one argueing with my brother telling him he had to go to school and he had to help out
and i remember hearing her throw up in the bathroom and being mad beacuse i thought she was making herself throw up – it made me never want to deal with any of that teenage girl crap about anorexia and bulimia – looking back it may have been cause she was sick but im not sure
so its weird cause i feel like whole time i have hardley any memories of her… and it makes me mad at myslef that was so slef absorbed in that time withs school and friends that i didnt take the time to make more meories with her…
cause thats when she porbably needed those types of times most
i just wish i could redo everything from 12 to this past summer with her
and i wish that she would wish the same thing
but i wonder if she would beause she still denys things – that hurt so bad to know that shes still lying
but i love her so mcuh that its not worth it to press the case anymore
but it took me until this year to get that
i think what made me understand her so much more is going thorugh this seperation
i feel like i can se everything that she did and allowed and said through different, more sympathetic eyes…
i dont think any of the bad stuff that happened can be justified but i can understand why things were like that
this is the weird part
where i can know that its wrong but accept that maybe she didnt have the tools or tthe love to know how to how to do some things right
i hope that this is how we are different
i think i have been so blessed and know that i am loved by God beyond anything that the worlde sees as love that i think that alough i can understand why she was and is the way she is that i will never be like that because i have a greater example of parenting to try to exemplyfy
and i really think considering everything my mom did an amazing job
but it doenst mena that i dont struggle
i do
daily
there are alot of things i try to to avaoid being like her
its sounds awful cause i really do think she did her most – but i struggle daily to not be like her in so amny ways – sometiem its even my conscious goal BUT athe the same time i am so glad that God gave her to me as my mom! i dont know anyone who could have done the things she did and coudl have managed the lot she had been given the way she could
i really hope that she will come to knwo the Lord and one day see that He allowed that lot for her beacuse he saw that strength in her and knew that others coudlnt do it but she coudl
i want to tell her these things beacuse im more like my dad and emotional and mushy and seeking meaning
but she is very much brittish -stiff upperlip
so evern when i try to soften that mask in many ways the discussion gets denied
i think i have softened her up over the years – espcially after moving out
but i just want her to let down the guards arond her heart… and let me love her and others and mainly God
i understadn why theyre there but it doesnt mean they belong
Oh Lord please break down those walls in Jesus’ name
of everyone i know she is most deserving of his love
she sacrificed so much of herself for my brother and i and i know i cant even love her right…. i know only Christ can

WHOA!
so all of this came about cause i was trying to get alot of packing done tonight and i was sorting through some old toys and i got sad cause some of the toys that were special to me when i was little
like my cabbage patch doll and and this other clown i had named annie
and a while bunch of others got given away
beacuse im an idiot
i had them in my apt in scarborough and then when i wnet to camp sebago i packed up and moved within 2 weeks and asked my landlord if i could pick them up at the end of the summer
which was 3 summers agos
so i called recently cause i found his number and i had just always assumed they were there but about a year ago tired of holding onto them he donated them all
it was my own fault
but then i started crying and thinking about this one timemy mom had a lawn sale cause we needed money i suppose and i had this doll that i wasnt super attached to but she was reakky big and so i liked her for that and my mom really wanted me to sell her adn i didnt really want to but i said ok
so i remember hopeing no one would buy her and then someone did and i remeber watching the family take her down the street and around the corner and i remember just crying cause i knew i would never see her again
so yeah!
its been quite a night!
geez louise!
i was only trying to pack
im gonna say overall this was productive
and a good time of raw contemplation
so in summery
i love my mom
im thuroughly upset about my toys being gone
and i hate moving
these three ramain
wow that was alot… i think i wont edit this so it just is as i thought… iguess thats fitting for ‘things i think’

waitn? i need to drink water or i will have a headache in the morning, people are going to know i cant spell, i love my mom alot and i think she is beautiful